Do's & Don'ts of Taking Small Children to a Restaurant
Aaron Sharp | July 31, 2020
This post originally appeared July 30 2017 as one of my A Sharp Life columns in the Odessa American newspaper. It appears here by permission of the newspaper. The text appears largely as it originally did 3 years ago, but I have taken the liberty of adding a few visual aids and clarifying comments.
Occasionally I do something incredibly dumb, like suggesting we take the kids to a restaurant without a playground. Taking kids out in public is always a little dicey. Just this last week I attempted a shopping trip only to leave Target before all of the groceries were bought because our soon-to-be two-year-old Fashionista (who was teething and just done with life) was having an epic meltdown. I knew it was time to leave when the ears of corn all complained to the manager. All public appearances with children are risky, but eating in public, that is the Russian roulette of parenting.
As a public service to you to my fellow parents I have accumulated a brief list of dos and don’ts for taking small humans out to eat. Allow my misadventures to guide you if you ever feel the need to tempt fate and take small children to a restaurant that doesn’t have combo meals.
Do get there before there’s a line. If you arrive at the restaurant at the same time as the local retirees you have hit the right spot. Waiting in line with small children is one of the circles of hell in Dante’s Inferno. Look it up.
Don’t be surprised when a child decides a food that they have always loved is now the grossest thing since Jelly Belly came out with a vomit flavored product.
Do tell your server that you would like for the kid’s food to be brought out as soon as it is ready. Your goal for the evening is to avoid hangry children. Hangry is the enemy. Hangry means there will be meltdowns, and the kids won’t handle it well either.
Don’t calculate how much you paid for a child to eat approximately 1/64th of their plate. It is just too depressing to do the math, so just eat some of their leftover grilled cheese and move on with your life.
Do be prepared to negotiate with small, lunatic humans as if you are trying to bring an end to an armed conflict. Henry Kissinger stared down the Soviet Union, but I promise you our four-year-old Ballerina would have had him crying and sucking his thumb.
Don’t lower your guard and assume that at some point in the evening a piece of silverware will not be used as a projectile.
Do plan on making multiple trips to the bathroom.
Don’t be shocked if a trip to the bathroom includes a child becoming deathly afraid of the loud noises made by hand dryers.
Do consider adding to your tip in proportion to the mess created by your sweet, adorable, walking tornadoes.
Don’t start the evening out with bribery and threats. This is bad parenting. At least get through the appetizer first.